


A Cat (Sith) Is Fine Too

by A Melon Most Bitter (Darwise)



Category: HEARTBEAT (Video Game)
Genre: April Fools' Day, Extremely Lowbrow Humor, Ha-ha cunnilingus jokes, Trashposting, abandon all hope ye who enter, not safe for life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2019-12-30 21:10:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darwise/pseuds/A%20Melon%20Most%20Bitter
Summary: A promiscuous Cat Sith, and the people that share her bed. A collection of hypershort drabbles of both questionable content, and quality. Contains gratuitous amounts of Klein getting dunked on. Rated E for lewd, stupid-ass jokes unfit for human consumption. Chicomen, maybe, but definitely not human. Written for April Fools. Updated sporadically. But not really.





	1. [Klein x Ives] DTC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is based off of an in-joke from the HB Discord server. If you don't get the joke, that's fine. You're honestly better off not knowing.

When Klein opens the door to the hotel room, the smell that assaults her nose is so overwhelming that it just about knocks her flat on her back. It reeks of incense, sexual frustration, and strawberry jam. Against her better judgement, she steps inside and closes the door behind her. The lights are off, but her night vision is strong enough that even without any light, she can make out Ives' naked frame spread across the bed in a very compromising position. Her back is bent forwards at an angle that not even Klein could manage on her best day. Her head is nestled firmly between her legs, with her left hand wedged in for good measure; both of which are moving at such an uncomfortable looking pace that Klein wonders just how much pleasure she's actually getting from the stimulation. A few moments are spent observing her technique, and she decides that she's either really inexperienced, or just really hard up. There's no shame in either one, and Klein has never been one to turn down an open invitation. She flicks on the lights, and clears her throat. Ives straightens up her back with a series of snaps so loud, that she winces and has to turn away. When she looks back, Ives is sitting butterfly style with her hands clasped together in front of her, looking every bit as composed as usual.

Klein tactfully decides to ignore the copious amounts of sweat and fluids staining her bare skin.

And that red, rubber nose.

Dear Jared, that nose.

"Good evening Klein, I've been waiting for you."

"So I see."

She hops off of the bed, and reaches for a small rucksack near the nightstand.

"I really do appreciate you coming out to see me on such short notice, but I'm certain I can make it worth your while. I trust you like what you see?"

In any other instance, she might be inclined to agree, but for whatever reason, that thing on her nose makes the hairs on the back of her neck rise. Instead of saying anything, she dumbly nods her head.

When Ives turns around, she's holding a pair of Cat Sith sized multi-color suspenders, a polka dot shirt, and another red nose. She squeezes it, and Klein flinches at the loud honking sound that it makes.

"Excellent! We can get started whenever you're ready!"

Her breathing is becoming ragged, and as she looks into Ives' eyes, and it's clear that the prospect of sharing her proclivities with someone else excites her. Klein takes a deep breath, and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Ives, I'm sorry to have gotten your hopes up, but this is _not_ what I had in mind when I said that I was down to clown."

 


	2. [Klein x Nyx] Best Served Chilled

"NYA!"  
"Well? W-W-hat are you waiting for?"  
"Ah... Well, it's just... kind of cold. Very cold, actually."  
"So?"  
"I know, I know, just give me a moment to mentally prepare myself!"  
"Either you stick that t-t-t-t-tongue in me right now, or I tell eve what you d-d-d-d with her staff last night."  
"Alright, alright, fine! Okay. Mmmmleeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!"  
"Ah!"  
"Mleh!"  
"Hmmm..."  
"Neh! Nyx!"  
"A l-little closer to the top."  
"Nyx!"  
"Purr a little when y-y-y-y-you do th-"  
"NYX!"  
"What? Why'd you s-s-s-stop?"  
"Ny tange ish thuck."  
"What was that?"  
"Ny tange. Ish thuck."  
"Yes. Y-Y-Y-Your tongue. Keep using it!"  
"No! Ny tange ish thuck, Nyx! I cahnt noove!"  
"Oh! You said your tongue is s-s-stuck, is that right?"  
"Yeth! Helb ne geh otth!"  
"...W-w-w-w-why should I? I'm not even halfway t-t-there yet."  
"Nyyyyyyyyyyx! Yooh dit thith on puhpus, din yooh?!"  
"Hmmmm. T-Tell you what? You d-d-d-do a good enough j-j-j-j-job down there, and I'll let you go in... t-t-two-hundred minutes."  
"WAAAAHT?"  
"You left me hanging f-f-f-for two-hundred years; two-hundred minutes is more t-t-than fair."  
"Nyx, cahn on! Takh yah legth otth ny hed! Thish ishn't thunny!"  
"No, it i-i-i-i-i-isn't funny. It's hillarious."  
"Nyx, whin ah ged three, ahm ganna kill yooh!"  
"Are you M-m-mad?"  
"THUCK YOOH!"  
"That's the p-p-plan."  
"AAAAAAAAAAA"  
"I love you too, Klein."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else remember that once scene from A Christmas Story where the kid get his tongue stuck on a frozen pole?


	3. [Klein x June] Horny On Main

June's back arches, and the aftershocks make her spasm several more times before she falls back onto the bed, satisfied and completely spent. Klein slides up from underneath the sheets, and pulls her close to cuddle. She pecks June's cheek with a playful kiss, while the latter still huffs and wheezes, trying to catch her breath.

"How are you feeling?"

"That was... -huff- Whew. Holy crap, Klein!"

Klein smiles tenderly at her lover, but inwardly, she pumps a fist in celebration. Another satisfied customer.

"So," Klein starts, putting on her most seductive voice. "What would you like to do now?"

June takes another several seconds to steady her breathing, then turns to her with an earsplitting grin and a glint in her eye. She doesn't say anything, but slowly begins inching her way down Klein's exposed midriff, and past the sheets. She can feel the hand cupping her rear slowly trace a path towards her inner thighs, and now she's eager with anticipation.

And then she hears the click of a camera shutter.

"Selfie!"

"...What?"

June quickly comes back up from under the sheets with her phone in hand and flops back next to Klein. She's humming a nonsensical tune as she taps away at the screen. A few seconds later, and Klein's brain starts working.

"Um... excuse me."

"Hm? Oh! Yeah, what's up?"

"Aren't you, you know, _forgetting something_?"

June raises her free hand to her chin as if deep in thought, then snaps her fingers.

"Oh! I'm sorry, did you wanna see? You're trending right now!"

She hands over the cell phone, and Klein blanches as she stares at the image on the screen. A well framed shot of her bare crotch with June making a lewd gesture at the base of her legs is displayed. As she reads the comments, her heart sinks into her stomach.

 

 **SmallmartQueen** : Really? You can do better June.

 **Swolesoul666** : Oh wow, her face looks so handsome, but that is waaaaaaay puffier than I thought it would be!

 **BasiclyIMMogwi** : You should stop by the card shop when you have a chance, we can catch up over drinks and dinner!

 **PutaRingonit** : I'm calling first dibs.

 **LaPetitM0rt** : Second!

 **Performing4U** : Thirded!

 **RockTheDragon** : Please some show some retraint everyone.

 **RockTheDragon** : ...I want first place in line.

 **Performing4U** : Hey! No, cuts asshole! Does anyone know if she's got a webcam?"

 **B4Sfan2060** : Hey yoooooo! I recognize that puss! What'd I tell you about smanging my friends? No Frisky Feast for you tonite!

 

Klein throws the phone down, and groans.

"In what world did this seem like a good idea to you?!"

"Hey,"June shrugs. "Not my fault your naughty bits are internet famous."

"It is **expressly your fault**!"

"Oh please, why do you think I called you up in the first place?" "You _do_ know that several Mogwai tourist sites have you listed in Sunwich as a place of interest, right?"

Klein buries her head into her pillow and screams.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate the fact that this cursed trashfire even has kudos on it. So why do I keep adding fuel to the fire?


	4. [Klein x Ro-bit] Tech Support

It's nearly four in the morning when the cellphone on Belle's nightstand goes off. She ignores it initially, believing it to be someone dialing the wrong number, but once the phone rings three times in as many minutes, she sighs and flails a hand towards the nightstand until she grabs her phone and puts it to her ear.

"...Hullo?" Her face is still buried in her pillow, and her voice is slightly muffled as a result.

"Belle? Is that you? Are you there? Hello?" The voice on the other end is panicked and speaking at a fast clip, and in the background she can hear the sound of furniture being tossed around accompanyed by the sound of feet shuffling, and something vibrating at a disturbingly high frequency.

"...Is this some kinda prank call?"

"Belle, it's Klein. I need your help. I barricaded the door, but I don't know how much time that'll buy me!"

Belle pulls her face up, and sits upright in her bed.

"Whoa, easy there! Tell me what happened. Is everyone alright?"

"No one's home right now, it's just me. One of the shop's Ro-bits went haywire, and I can't shut it off."

"Well, you're strong enough, can't ya just... bang it up a little?"

There's a loud thud in the background on the other end of the receiver, followed by several seconds of silence. The vibrating noise starts up again; this time it sounds like it's pressed up against a door, and the rhythm it taps out as it beats against the surface reminds her of a woodpecker. A very agitated woodpecker.

"I'm not letting that thing anywhere near me; just tell me how to shut it off!" Klein hisses sharply.

"Hm. Ro-bit programming doesn't just let them come at folks all willy nilly, unless you modify certain parameters and then designate a target... Wait. Klein? Did you do somethin' funny to the shop bots?"  
The line goes silent again, save for the vibrating in the background.  
"Klein! What. Did. You. Do?"  
"Well... I noticed that Mr. Staccato's personal Ro-bit had a built in massager function, and I thought I'd... try it out..."

"What'd ya say? You're talkin' too low!"

"I said I tried to use the massage function!" Belle winces as she hears something like a sharp crack over the line."  
"H-how?! How did it wear down the door so fast?! Belle! Help!"  
"I don't understand, none of what your describin' makes any sense." She pinches the bridge of her nose, and sighs. Then something that Klein said comes back to her.

_Wait just one darn moment. Massage? Try it out? Ooooh!_

_Oh, bless your heart Klein._  
"Klein, I need an honest answer. Did you set the back massage function to 'erotic'?"  
"I! Um... well... t-t-that is..."  
"Klein, yes or no, did you try to mount the dang Ro-bit?"  
Another loud crash.  
"Alright, Fine! I changed the setting! Now how do I stop it?!"  
"Okay, now we're gettin' somewhere. Now, didja turn off the portside inhibitor switch and timer?"

"The **what**?"

"...Little red nub on the left of the little guy's head. Turns counter-clockwise."

"Oh, that! Well, it wasn't... performing the way I prefer, so I just kept turning it until it fell off completely. It was fine at first, but the vibrating just kept getting stronger!"

At this, Belle loses her cool and breaks down into a fit of laughter until she covers her mouth to stifle her giggles. She doesn't want to wake up the rest of the family after all.  
"What's so funny?!"  
"Well, I've got some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is, once you turn of that inhibitor, ain't no stoppin' it till the battery dies, or it finishes it's business; whichever comes first."  
"WHAT?!"

"The good news is, that model with the lovin' function got discontinued because of poor battery life, so you probably need to hold out for about another, thirty minutes maybe?"  
"Belle, I'll do whatever you-"

"Yer not listenin' to me Klein. I can't help you over the phone with this, and even if I could, I probably wouldn't. I mean, who uses somebody else's massager? That's just nasty..."  
"It normally just a back massager!"

"That makes you look even worse! What were you gonna do? Clean it off, and hope he didn't notice?"  
Before either party can say anything else, There's another loud crash followed by the sound of splintering wood and spinning servo motors.  
"It broke the door down! Belle-"  
"Sorry, can't help ya."

"But-"  
" **I love you! Please assume the position!** "  
"Stay back! Staaaaayy back! You'll never take me alive!"  
The sound of clangs, beeps, and cat yowls are heard over the line for several moments, until Belle decides to hang up. She laughs to herself, and casts a cursory glance at the giant tarp in her room covering up her latest pet project, before laying back down and pulling the covers over her head. After that commotion, she decides that it would be a good idea to put the "Tiny Bronco" through another month of stress testing before she files the patent and makes her sales pitch to Smallmart.

"This thing is gonna sell so big once I work out all the kinks." She muses as she drifts off to sleep.  
"The world of dildonics ain't gonna be ready fer me..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that dildonics is a real word? Crazy, right?


	5. [Klein x Io] Napalm in the Evening

**~I'm not livin' without you, not livin' without you!~**

Klein tossed and turned in her bed and placed another pillow over her ears. The music playing just underneath the bedroom window had been blaring non-stop for the last twenty minutes. Eve sat cross-legged on the floor, largely unbothered by the noise. She was far too absorbed in watching last week's wrestling highlights to care. "You know she's not gonna go away until you talk to her, right?" She asked absentmindedly.

"She'll run out of love songs eventually." Klein grumbled from underneath her pillow. "I'll ignore her for as long as it takes." In the far corner on the room, sitting on top of a pile of laundry and reading a book, Nyx scoffs.

"T-T-T-T-Trust me, she's not going to stop. She probably m-m-made several different mixtapes and everything."

Klein throws her pillow directly at Nyx, who deftly catches it with one hand, and slides it underneath her to use as a cushion. Klein finally rolls out of bed, transforming into her human form in the process. Carefully, she peeks her head out of the window and bites back a curse when she sees Io standing outside holding a giant boombox over her head. She must have seen her, because in that moment, she smiles and waves, and presses a button on the tape deck. The song immediately cuts out, and is replaced by another one. The bass is so overwhelming that the floor shakes, and Io's head snaps left and right with the beat as she begins to serenade her.  
**~Sloooow down! I just wanna get to know you!~  
~But don't turn around, cause that pretty round thing looks good to me!~**

Klein pulls her head back inside, just in time to see Nyx watching her with a smirk on her face.

"Uh-oh. Sounds like she p-p-p-pulled out the R&B. You're in trouble K-Klein; she wants you bad."

**~Sloooow down! Never seen anything so lovely!~**

**~Now turn around And bless me with your beauty, cutie!~**

"Whoa, I didn't know Io could sing; She actually sounds legit!" Eve muses.

"This can't be happening..."

"Just suck it up, and go d-d-d-downstairs."

"Easy for you to say Nyx, you're the one that broke up with her."

"A-And you're the one that picked h-h-h-her up on the r-rebound, you slu-"

Eve picks up the remote, and presses the pause button. She gets up, and grabs both Mogwai by their ears, and drags them out of the room before depositing them in the second floor hallway, and shutting the door behind her.

"Slut." Nyx finishes.

"Whatever. You broke up with her, right? How did you get her to leave you be?"

Nyx looks at her like she's grown a second head, and she reaches her hands out towards her, but seems to think better of it at the last second. She brushes past Klein, and walks downstairs, motioning for her to follow.

**~Come take a walk with me!~  
~You'll be impressed by~  
~The game that I kick to you~  
~It's so thorough and real~**

The music is louder on the ground floor, and both Mogwai are grateful that Liang isn't here to witness the spectacle. The curtains keep Io from peeking in, but Klein can see her shadow underneath the front door, and she starts to sweat a little. Nyx comes back from the kitchen holding a cup of iced coffee and a small sack of oranges, the latter of which she shoves roughly into her arms.

"What is this for?"

"You w-w-want to make her leave, right? Give her those."

"What? Just like that?"

"Just like that." Nyx deadpans. "She hates o-o-o-oranges so much, that she'll just r-run away at the sight of one."

Klein gives her an extremely skeptical look. She takes a long sip of her coffee, and sits on the

edge of the store's countertop."I d-d-don't care if you believe m-m-me or not. Do what you want."

The music cuts off abruptly, and Io bangs on the door at an alarming speed.

"Klein? Is that you bae?!"

Another thirty bangs.

"Better answer it." Nyx quips. Klein hides the oranges, swallows a gulp, and throws open the door. The boombox sits at Io's feet, and her hand is outstretched with a small pink cassette tape held out towards her.

"I made you a mixtape~! She giggles as Klein carefully grabs it with her free hand.  
"I... don't know what to say. Thank you, Io."

"You've earned it! I stayed up all night making it, so you'd better give it a listen soon, alright?"

"O-of course..."

Io squints at her with an expression halfway between concerned and suspicious. "Hey, why are you acting so shy all of a sudden? She inches closer to her until their noses nearly touch, and Klein is shaking with nervousness at this point. Io backs off, and blushes.

"Were you... thinking about last week just now?! Like, I know we rushed into things, but I really wan-"  
"She's j-j-j-ust nervous because she bought you a gift. Isn't that r-r-right, Klein?" Nyx interrupts. At the mention of the word 'gift', Io's eyes light up, and she looks to Klein for confirmation, who in turn, looks to Nyx, who simply gives her a thumbs up in response.

"Yes! A gift! That's right! I got you... This!" She thrusts the sack of oranges at Io, who gasps, and takes a step backwards. She covers her mouth with her hands, and tears start to well up in her eyes.

Klein takes another step forward, anticipating a distraught Io's breaking down, and running away... But yowls when she catches her in a fierce bear hug.

"Omigosh Klein, you're so sweeeeeeet! How'd you know oranges are my favorite food? And you got me. So. Many!" She bends her over, and kisses her so fiercely, that Nyx turns away for a moment until the sound of lips smacking indicates that they've finished. Klein looks confused, flushed, and slightly out of breath. Io however, is making bedroom eyes so fierce that she's (literally) smouldering.

"You. Me. **Right now.** "

"No. Please. Not after last ti-"

"G-guest room's upstairs. Second door from the r-r-right."

As Io sweeps her paramour up into a bridal carry, Klein stares at Nyx with a look of utter betrayal. Before they turn the corner at the top of the stairs, she looks back, and mouths "Why"?

Nyx simply waves, and takes another sip of her coffee. A door slams shut, and Eve rounds the corner from the other side. She walks downstairs with her phone in tow, and hops up on the countertop next to Nyx.

"So much for the highlights... That was messed up Nyx."

"You could have s-said something."  
"Well, Yeah, but you should know better!"

"M-Making Klein miserable is the one j-j-joy I have left in life. Let me have this."

The two of them sit in silence until the sounds of a bedpost rocking begins, punctuated by an occasional yelp of discomfort.

"Should we go upstairs?"

"No, b-but we should get some aloe v-v-v-vera ready for later; I almost feel b-b-bad for Klein."

"Whoa. Don't hear that from you everyday!"

"For once, she was right to be d-dodgy."

"Does this have something to do with your breakup?"

"Something like that. We weren't very... compatible."  
Eve looks at Nyx incredulously with a faint blush on her cheeks.

"Are you trying to tell me that Io's a... bad lay or something?" The rocking is moving at a steady rhythm now, and the yelps have been replaced by two sets of moans, one sounds like their on cloud nine, while the other sounds like someone being forced to put salt on a wound.

"Worse. Think of the h-h-h-hottest hot sauce you can imagine. N-now imagine someone j-just spread it all over your face."

"...Ooookaaaaaay?"  
"That's w-w-what's happening to Klein right n-now."

"Are you saying that they're playing with food? Gross..." Nyx rolls her eyes and finishes the last of her coffee. The sounds upstairs are getting frantic, Io's cries are so high pitched that it's fairly obvious to her what's about to happen next. There's one last scream, followed by something that sounds like a small explosion. The frame of the house shakes from the force, and Klein can be heard screaming in agony. Eve stares bug eyed at her as she shrugs.

"I'll put it t-t-this way Eve: Io's t-t-t-tape deck isn't the only box she has that spits out hot f-f-f-fire..."

 


End file.
